“You Can Have it All” …was invented by a man (of course)

The BBC twitter post below, attracted a lot of comment this week.

Before I get into it, I am acutely conscious that I risk the reasonable accusation that I am about to mansplain the operations of the patriarchy...so here are a few qualifications.

1. I worked with one of the men who had coined the phrase.

2. 90% of my coachees are women and many of the challenges they come to me with are rooted in this societal expectation.

3. I am a single dad through bereavement; I have tried my hardest to be mum and dad. I am left in absolute awe of all mothers (and particularly my late wife, Kim.)

The phrase itself is problematic, but the history behind it is even more concerning....I'll try to be brief.

Many women entered the workplace for the first time in WW2.

As the war ended, women were encouraged to make way for returning servicemen and "returned to the home."

The 1950s saw a boom in consumer goods; Televisions, cars, fridges and so on.

Men drove this boom in consumption and became rather addicted to the continous stream of new prodcts.

But how to afford this new lifestyle?

Of course, women were encouraged back into work to fund this habit.

But wait....what about the housework? What about the cooking? What about the kids? What about looking happy and supportive when I get home from MY job? (One magazine article actually advised women to "make sure you smile and perhaps pop a ribbon in your hair" when they headed home from work)

The convenience food industry was born at this time to support this change in family set ups along with microwaves, sandwich toasters etc etc.

But this juggling took a huge toll on women. They were essentially being asked to do absolutely everything and rates of depression amongst working mothers sky-rocketed in the 1970s.

So how did men respond? With compasssion, empathy and grace?
Of course not.

Women's magazines (published by men of course) conspired and coalesced around that toxic line which served to direct so much pressure and eventually shame on to women to ensure that men's lives were not threatened.

"You Can Have it All" might as well have read "You will do it all whilst we have it all"....not quite as catchy is it?

Magazine after magazine used the phrase and propogated the toxic intention for well over a decade.

And as we see from the BBC posting, it continues to ricochet through society to this day; heaping pressure on women, directing blame and shame and denying a reasoned debate about balanced lives and equal partnerships.

Oh, and the man I woked with? Well, he has passed now; he was a giant of the publishing industry and was one of a number of male publishers who developed and propogated this narrative. Not a bad man... just an ad-man looking to maximise revenue. But it came at a hefty price.